too much in my heart...too heavy in myself

i feeling negative depressed for these days.... reason because of myself..... seriously i need to take care myself le... i not 18 any longer.... i always being pampered by people around me... list goes on... i used to  really regret for not listening my auntie's advice... for my whole freaking life i have been making wrong decision...  and now i am asking myself why am i holding it all....one thing lead to another...in the past i will keep blaming everyone around me but never myself... i will be saying" i should have like this and like that thing will be not like this and like that..."  now i cannot le... i must focus in my PRESENT and future

I have an job offer in New York now.... i want to go... but... think again... before i leave.... i have my family in SG... and i have loads of shits from the past wrong decision made to clear one by one... i talked to AMMA at the altar just now.. confessed it every single thing.. for this whole week i realised a lot of stuffs about myself.... i want to change... in the past i always procrastinate... now also.... but from this very moment.... for everyone in my life.... includes my family, BB and myself... i really have to think twice for everything i decide.... i told BB i want want to go NYC to but never tell him much... because i really have the urge to leave SG... but think twice... is not going to solve everything if i just leave SG like that...is going to be worst and i may dragged my family in... i am a stubborn gal...i am a impulsive, short tempered,negative gal.... i feel nobody understands me... the list goes on... only recent i realise... why this happening.. is because i NEVER SPEAK OUT... i thought i could handle myself well... my financial well... but i am wrong... ( sound so negative hor~!) but this is the truth... i look myself in the mirror.... is only looking into the mirror i then can see myself... see how horrible i am....asking myself why this and that.... in the past i nvr get answer cause i will just be a self denial gal... hahaha JOKE RIGHT~! i am lack of confidence, i cannot find my self worth and self esteem at all... i am weak minded... i realised.... after admit all this negative stuff... now i really look into it...i must change...

i like BB a lot... i really do.... i wish to be with BB, i want to know how he feel for me.... i must be true to myself stop being self denial and but i realised i not ready for any relationship or in the right states to love a guy... if truly love him, i should not be giving troubles by telling my troubles, do stupid things to make him worry... and freaking so possessive, wants his accompany, never think how he feel about my this bad attitude... why am i like this? why am i a attention seeker? asking myself these question.... perhaps i just leave him alone....  i need to wake up le... I REALLY DUN WANNA LOSE HIM.... now i need to find myself to love myself... build my self esteem... my confidence and change myself... is going to be long way... i fell too many times.... after that day.... i really realised he is someone i really dun wanna to lose... (i need to reform myself cause i not a prefect girl... or whatever people can say about me....)

I need determination, motivation and confidence.... and this is so true.... no one can give... if i dun help myself.... well is late i will stop now...

i shall have good rest tonight... i was freaking down and tired.... after telling amma about it, i feel better.... seriously need to think wisely and reconsider about everything in my mind.

i don't wanna be a burden... but with what this thought i had months ago... i am a burden... wrong decision, wrong thinking everything is just not right. whatever should go home and rest now.....